Don't have to like it, do I?
But it is frustrating having a passion, and what you see as a gift, not be utilized to it's full capacity.
Am I just too caught up in life as I know it?
It's a good life, but not where I thought I'd be. I sat down at the computer tonight (our new iMac), and said to Liza, this is me. This is where I feel at home.
Blogging. Trying to let creativity flow. I'm listening to Lifehouse, and I relate to a lot of their music. It has deeper meaning, a sense of something that reaches out and touches other peoples lives.
I've noticed over the last 6 months just how much I enjoy being with people, talking with people, listening to people. I like people and I think people like me.
So spending my days within the 3 walls of my cubicle can wear on me. I realize how blessed I am. Even the past weekend, as I drove a brand new car for the weekend, I realized how blessed we are. I'm blessed to have a job that pays the bills and even some more.
Liza took the Grant to the doctor, and the report was "perfect" as always. And then we paid the small copay, and she went on her way.
It's those times that I say to myself it's best to keep doing what I'm doing. Don't rock the boat. We've got it good. But....there's still a longing to do and be more.
I sit here trying to write and be creative, and the very thing that holds me back from pursuing dreams and aspirations is the same thing that always has, fear. Fear of failing. Fear of not being able to provide for my wife and kids.
As Liza and I played with the computer tonight, we started going through the pictures on the computer. We accumulated alot of pictures over the last 7+ years. We've changed so much. We saw pictures of our friends and laughed at how we have less hair, more wrinkles, more bags under eyes, more weight....
I started going through the pics of my boys. Man, from March of 2008 til now. The joy I've found in my growing family, but also realized how that's when the stress at work began to grow. Not coincidentally, that's when the economy started changing.
Every month the worry of maybe not having a job. The paycuts. Fewer and fewer benefits. Switching jobs...
I find peace with my family. My friends. My God.
People have said things to me recently when they see me...In so many words they say "It's nice to see you smile again."
And I realized I don't smile as much as I used to. As Buddy the Elf said, "Smiling's my favorite." Yet somehow it's been hard for me to smile, at least as often as much as I used to.
Maybe since I'm knocking on the door of 40, I'm taking inventory of what I've done and haven't done. It seems like it.
I gotta get there. We were all created for a purpose and I know mine is much bigger than me, than the me I see right now.
As I continue typing, I am reminded of all the special appointments in life. God has no doubt blessed me. I'll say it again, I'm blessed to be where I am.
But the moments that I remember, the moments that other people remember are the ones one someone's life has been touched. A smile. A kind word. Just asking how someone is doing. Allowing God to shine through me.
It's the moments when you are a light, or better yet when YOU are God's light to someone.
While I walk this path. As I go down the road, no knowing if there is another turn, or another pot hole, I'll be a light.
I'll keep the light on.
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